There is a question that follows a lot of women leaders into the boardroom, the event planning meeting, the late night before a big launch, and the rare quiet moment between commitments: “If I take time for myself right now, does that make me selfish?” This is the central tension in self-care for women leaders.

If you have felt that guilt — the kind that makes you eat lunch at your desk, push through exhaustion, and wonder whether your needs are somehow less legitimate than everyone else’s — this post is for you.

In our second episode of the Victoria & Nettie LinkedIn Live series, Sensei Victoria Whitfield and I sat down to talk about what self-care for women leaders actually means, where the guilt comes from, and why taking care of yourself is not just acceptable for leaders — it is a professional and strategic imperative. What followed was an honest conversation about the idea and reality of self care.

Here’s what we discussed. . .

First, Let’s Get Clear on What “Selfish” Actually Means

We throw the word around a lot. Selfish. But when was the last time you actually examined its definition?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines selfish as: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure at the expense of those around you.

Notice what that definition requires. Not just caring for yourself — but doing so 

at the expense of others. That distinction matters enormously.

Getting enough sleep does not deprive anyone else of sleep. Eating a real meal does not mean someone goes hungry. Taking a 10-minute break, asking for help, or making sure your business turns a profit — none of these things, by definition, take anything away from the people around you.

And yet many women — especially those who lead organizations, run businesses, and hold communities together — treat every act of personal care as though it must be justified or earned. As though their needs are a burden on the system rather than a legitimate part of it.

“Selfish means lacking consideration for others. Taking care of your wellness, your profit, or your need for rest doesn’t mean you’re ignoring anyone — it means you’re prioritising yourself so that you can move forward.”

Victoria put it plainly during our conversation: your ability to get your needs met is just as valid as the next person’s. Full stop. The fact that you are a leader does not exempt you from being human. It actually makes attending to your humanity more important, not less.

Where the Guilt Around Self-Care for Women Leaders Actually Comes From

If self-care is not inherently selfish, why does it feel that way to so many of us?

Part of the answer is cultural. Many women received an implicit message growing up that putting others first is virtuous, and that putting yourself first is suspect. Workplaces, families, and community organizations reinforce that message and women in leadership roles face particular pressure — where you are often expected to be both competent and tireless, both effective and endlessly available.

But part of it is also personal. Victoria shared something during our episode that I think will resonate with a lot of readers: she described leaders who judge themselves for even the most basic needs. For needing sleep. For needing a bathroom break mid-meeting. For needing a moment to ask a question before diving into the next task. These aren’t signs of weakness. They are signs that you are a human being doing a demanding job.

The question worth sitting with is this: who told you that you weren’t allowed to be fed first? Because somewhere, somehow you got the message that your needs go last. And that lesson has been costing you — probably for a long time.

“Who taught you that you’re not allowed to be fed first? That story didn’t come from nowhere — and it doesn’t have to stay.”

What Happens When You Stop Taking Care of Yourself

Victoria shared a story during our episode that I want to pass along, because it is the kind of story that only lands when it is real.

In her rush to be productive — to keep moving, to not slow down, to not ask for help — she ended up in the hospital. Injured. Because she prioritized speed over sense. Because she had absorbed the message that stopping, or asking for support, was somehow not an option.

That is an extreme example. But the everyday version of it is everywhere.

When you don’t sleep, your decision-making suffers. When you don’t eat, your focus goes. When you don’t set boundaries around your time and energy, you eventually have nothing left to give — and the people and organizations who depend on you feel that, even if they can’t name it.

The Research is Consistent on this Point

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that leaders who built genuine recovery practices into their routines — including sleep, movement, and protected non-work time — demonstrated measurably better decision-making quality and stronger team outcomes than those who did not. The study concluded that recovery is not a passive absence of work; it is an active contributor to leadership effectiveness.

Self-care is not a soft concept. It is a performance variable. This is why self-care for women leaders matters so much—it directly impacts results

There is also a compounding effect that doesn’t get discussed enough: when you are depleted, you become harder to work with. Not because you are a difficult person, but because a tired, overextended, undernourished person makes more mistakes, communicates less clearly, and has less tolerance for the inevitable friction of leadership. Ironically, the very things you sacrifice self-care to protect — your relationships, your results, your reputation — are what suffer most when you don’t take care of yourself.

Self-Care Includes Getting Paid What You’re Worth

This is the part of the conversation may surprise you and I want to make sure it doesn’t get skipped over.

We talked at length during the episode about the financial dimension of self-care, particularly for women. And it is this: ensuring your business is profitable, that you are compensated fairly for the value you deliver, and that you are not running your organization at a personal loss — that is self-care too.

There is a pattern I see repeatedly among women who lead organizations and events: they undercharge. Not because they don’t know their value, but because they feel guilty claiming it. They would rather offer a discount, absorb a cost, or simply not bring up the money conversation than risk seeming like they care about profit.

But profit is what allows you to continue. Profit funds the next event, retains the good staff, invests in better programming, and gives you the financial stability to lead from a position of strength, where you are fed, rather than scarcity. When you chronically undercharge or undervalue your work, you are not being more generous. You are slowly making it impossible to keep going.

“Paying yourself fairly isn’t greed. It’s the financial foundation of everything you’re building.”

Why do we feel guilty about being paid for the value we bring? Somewhere, the message got wired in that asking for appropriate compensation is unseemly for women who care about their mission. It isn’t. It’s responsible. It’s sustainable. And it’s an act of self-care with organizational consequences.

How to Actually Build Self-Care In — Not Just Add It On

Here’s where I want to get practical about self-care for women leaders, because intention without structure is just a wish.

The reason most leaders fail at self-care isn’t that they don’t want it. It’s that they treat it as optional, as something to get to after everything else is done. And there is always more to do. So self-care stays perpetually at the bottom of the list, and the list never ends.

The shift that actually works is treating self-care the way you treat any other non-negotiable operating requirement. Not as a reward. Not as a luxury. As infrastructure.

Four Practical Shifts to Start This Week

• Redefine the category. Self-care is not spa days and bubble baths (though those are fine too). It is sleep, food, water, movement, rest, boundaries, and profit. When you recognize these as foundational wellness needs rather than indulgences, the guilt starts to lose its grip.

• Build it into your systems. Nettie’s system principle applies directly here: if it isn’t on the calendar and built into your operating procedures, it won’t happen. Schedule your sleep like you schedule your meetings. Protect your lunch hour like you protect your client calls. Make your own restoration part of the plan — not the afterthought.

• Examine the patterns you inherited. Who modeled depletion for you as a form of dedication? Who praised you for running on empty? Those lessons are worth questioning. You are allowed to care for yourself without it meaning you care less about the people you serve.

• Ask for help before the crisis. Victoria’s hospital story is a reminder that waiting until you’re broken to reach for support is a pattern, not just a moment. Build in accountability, peer connection, and professional support before you’re desperate for it. That is self-care. That is also smart leadership.

The Leader in the Room

Victoria said your nervous system sets the temperature of the room.

When you walk into your event, your team meeting, your membership gathering — depleted, scattered, running on coffee and guilt — the room feels that. People can’t always name it, but they absorb it. The energy of a leader who is genuinely grounded and well-resourced is different from the energy of one who is holding herself together with willpower and apology.

This is not about performance or projecting confidence you don’t feel. It’s about the real, felt quality of what it is like to be in a room that is held by someone who is genuinely okay. Someone who has slept. Who has eaten. Who has made peace with her own needs enough to show up without resentment or exhaustion leaking into every interaction.

Your self-care is not separate from your leadership. It is the foundation of it. And the women in your organization, your events, your community — they deserve a leader who is actually present. Not one who is technically in the room but running on empty.

“Your self-care is not a break from your leadership. It is the foundation of it. You cannot hold the room if you haven’t held yourself.”

You’re Not Alone in This

If you have been carrying the weight of an organization, a team, a board, or an annual event — and you have been doing it while quietly believing that your own needs are the last priority — I want to say something directly to you.

That belief is not serving you. It is not serving the people who depend on your leadership. And it is not the truth.

Taking care of yourself — genuinely, structurally, without guilt — is one of the highest-leverage investments you can make in everything you are building. It is not a reward for finishing the work. It is part of the work.

The conversation Victoria and I had in Episode 2 is one we want to keep having, because the women who lead our organizations, associations, chambers, and communities deserve more than burnout and applause. They deserve support, structure, and the permission to be human.

And next week, we’re going to take this even further. Because it turns out the same pattern that drives leaders to deplete themselves personally also shows up in how they price and resource their events — and it is starving the very things they are working so hard to build. That conversation is coming in

Episode 3: Don’t Starve Your Business

Don’t miss it.

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Nettie Owens, CPO-CD  ·  The Sappari Group  ·  sapparigroup.com  ·  © 2026